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Integrity, the thin rope we have to walk

COVID-19 has shown us things! 

Yes, we now blame everything bad, limiting, and anything in between on COVID. Due to COVID, the Ministry of Health issued prevention guidelines in line with what WHO had issued as well as add others as per our local context. One of them was avoiding hard cash. It picked up well but recently, I have noticed business owners are hesitant. Some without payment subscriptions will insist that you withdraw and pay in cash. Out of curiosity, I asked one grocer why. He explained that people have been buying goods and services via mobile money, and as soon as they walk away, they cancel the transaction. So they carry home the commodity as well as keep their money. Like Really!!!

I recently saw a post on social media of a guy who went into a supermarket to buy an electronic. An attendant presented him with a tempting backdoor deal that would see the guy save quite a bit as compared to the shelf price, while the attendant would make some cash from the deal. According to the attendant, this was to be a win-win for him and the buyer. The responses blew my head. The poster had identified the shop in question in his post. Some respondents were mad at this, accusing the poster of being a snitch, that the supermarket management would approach him for details of the attendant and have him fired. Some others accused him of spoiling business for them. It was clear this has been a trend with many beneficiaries. Some even went further to castigate the poster for what they termed "foolishness," the reason he will never become rich. Still, wondering why our chain supermarkets and such other businesses are collapsing? Wonder no more.

There was another similar but different story. Someone picked a phone that fell from a passenger who had hurried to catch a public service vehicle. The poster stated that it was an expensive phone. He had waited for the owner or at least a contact to the owner to call it for him to be able to hand it back but nothing. Instead, he saw a notification of a sim swap, which is likely that the owner had deemed the phone lost and replaced the sim-card. Responses were equally crazy. Lots of people advised the poster to discard the phone since it could be a case of a deliberate discard if it's connected to a crime, while others advised him to take it to a police station.

The above scenario speaks of an unfortunate culture of a people who will not stop at anything to selfishly gain at the expense of another. Yet we are the same people who will shout on hilltops about bad economic times, corruption, and the ills that bedevil this society.

But why?

Wikipedia defines integrity as the practice of being honest and showing consistent and uncompromising adherence to strong moral and ethical principles and values. It adds that in ethics, integrity is regarded as the honesty and truthfulness or accuracy of one's actions. Google gives the following as synonyms to integrity; honesty or uprightness or noble-mindedness or sincerity or truthfulness or scrupulousness or trustworthiness. I often hear it said that integrity is doing the right thing even no one is watching.

Someone shared a story of a small town he lives in that has a tuck-shop owned by one of the local farmers in a European country. There is no shopkeeper neither CCTV cameras at the shop to monitor the activities, but the buyers come in and after making their pick, they record in a record book all that they have picked and the quantities. At the end of the month, the shop owner tallies the records and bills his clients as per the records! This is integrity redefined! Indeed doing what is right when no one is watching.

It reminds me of a story I read from the Bible this past week. It's entitled "David and Bathsheba," found in 2 Samuel 11. I Want to focus on Uriah, the husband of Bathsheba. Uriah was a soldier in the army of King David. He had been away at war when the king slept with his wife. The king wishing to cover his sin sent that Joab the army leader sends Uriah back home. This was so that Uriah would go and be with his wife, thus be believed that he is responsible for the pregnancy. Uriah did come back home, but he didn't go home to sleep with his wife. He in fact slept out at the city gates. David attempted to trick him the second time by giving him too much to drink. Being a man of high integrity, even in his drunkenness still remember his high calling - a soldier of the army. And so to Uriah, as long as the army was out battling in war, he was not going to engage in pleasure. Once again, he slept out with the king's guards. I am not sure why so but if I could relate it to football (soccer) madness I have heard as I grew up, it used to be said that footballers (soccer players) would not be allowed to sleep with a woman just before a match. It was believed that was a bad omen. The players literally looked out for each other so no one breaks that unwritten law. I do not know how true this is. Seems like the same rule applied in the Israelite army. Uriah being as committed to his course as he was, would not break that silent law. He did what was right even when no one was watching! His ultimate price for his act of honesty? He paid with his own life. Yes, the king had him murdered so he could marry Bathsheba. It's even more painful to imagine that Uriah carried a letter that instructed the leader of the army on how he would get rid of Uriah. His integrity ruled over curiosity. He did not peep in the letter on his way back to the battlefield. His main focus was to do what was right even when no one was looking.

What a great learning!!! 

Have you while at a banquet served more than you can maybe finish without care about those who will come after you? You need some learning.

Have you walked into a shared toilet and packed the tissue paper placed in there? You have some reforming to do.

Do you sell stuff at exorbitant prices so as to "make a kill" out of the proceeds? You have no integrity.

Has your child come home with something that you know is not theirs and you let them keep it? Your moral standing is in question.

This concerns all of us. Take a retrospect and judge yourself for yourself.

I want to do what is right even when no one is looking.

Rape: Its time for candid conversations

While watching news just a while ago, I saw this disturbing story of a six years old who has been molested by a GANG of unknown men. It reminded me of the many conversations I have been having this past few weeks with hundreds of women victims of sexual violence. Rape perpetrated by a relative (parent, uncles, siblings), strangers like robbers, carjackers, employers or even boyfriends. Most of these women have lived with their pain in silence for decades. Some have pretended to forget just for seeking peace they cannot find within themselves. Some as old as 50 years living with the pain inflicted on them as innocent 5 year olds. At 5 years, they had their childhood stolen from them just like today's victim on news, and now they live shattered lives. Living in the shadow of a dark and haunting past.
What saddens me most is that a lot of these women have never been able to speak out about their pain because the few that have tried have been castigated and even stigmatised by the very society that should protect them and fight to restore dignity that we are seemingly losing at our watch.

Take Eustace (not her real name) for instance, she was sexually violated by a man well known to her family on her way to school. The said man is a businessman with some money to his "good" name. Being a daughter of a widow with nothing much to their name, the mother to this Standard Six girl agreed to an out of court settlement after coercion from the entire family. The culprit paid Eustace's mother some 5,000 shillings and that marked the end of the case.

Nine months later, Eustace became a mother to a baby boy. Her schooling was interrupted for the whole of 2013 as she stayed home to take care of her boy while the "rich" business man continued with his life like nothing ever happened or mattered. As I write, Eustace's child, due to poor care during pregnancy was born with a mental problem. Obviously due to the economic state of her family, they are not able to attend to the child's medical needs.

They are now desperately trying to find a solution to their predicament. They are in a dilemma. They cant pursue the court direction anymore since the poor woman agreed to an out of court settlement and its all documented. At the time when she consented to the out of court settlement, Eustace's mother had no idea a pregnancy had arisen for the crime. Nevertheless, the crime is a crime whether it gave birth to a baby or not.

The same is the story of many others. Languishing in anger, rejection, bitterness, suicidal thoughts and even life threatening conditions. All courtesy of RAPE.

My take; as long as we still speak about RAPE in hushed tones, castigate and stigmatise survivors of sexual violence and easily kill the voices of those who seek to speak against it, we will continue suffering a broken and sick society. A society that is filled with pain and in-capacitation of those with great potential among us.

Can we rise against this?

Can we stand up and be counted?

Why should my gender or sex be a constant source of pain and anguish? No one chose to be born male or female. Society should desist from defining masculinity through violence and the like. Have you ever heard someone congratulating a male for having succeeded in laying a woman regardless of whether it was out of consent or forced? Oh it does happen. Yes it does. Most of our cultures grade young men as grown up men once they have been able to have sex with a female. Actually, during initiation ceremonies, most of the teachings they receive there is as such. And so they come out with one focus - to have sex at all cost.

I have even heard others saying once a boy gets to Form One and they start studying biology and the human anatomy, they come home for holiday with one resolve - to lay a woman. And those who are unlucky at achieving this resolve are teased by his peers. And so, sex is a man's thing. Women only become a tool. At least that's what such men grow up knowing and so they most comfortably subscribe to it.

You know what, we have to have these conversations. Bold and candid conversations. Parents with their children. Older siblings and their younger siblings. Aunties/uncles with nieces and nephews. Even among peers. Lets talk about these things. Let us clear our society of these vampires. These bloodsucking pests. They all deserve to rot in jail. So lets all rise and heed the call.

I have my fingers crossed. I believe in your ability to come forth and join in the fight.. Wont you?

SHAPERS, MENDERS AND BREAKERS

It is my birthday! Yeepe! Thanksgiving to God for sustenance. It has taken His hand, grace and mercy.

In retrospect of the year that has been, the past few months have been interesting. Weeks that have had both bad and great tidings – kind of a mixed grilled.

First, it was the joy of hearkening to God’s stealth voice and getting to reach out to a friend. Just to make them know they are loved and appreciated. Wow! What a blessing it turned out to be. The tears of joy...  And just knowing that you have touched a soul.

I guess that’s what Jesus meant in Matthew when He says at the end of time, He will acknowledge that when I was hungry you fed me, and when I was naked you dressed me.  Our little acts of generosity go along way. Our Jerusalem so to say, before we seek to conquer Judea, Samaria and the rest of the world.

Then came moments of walking with hurting loved ones. Hurting from breakups, imminent breakups, bereavement and even sickness. Always a bitter pill to swallow.

Without sounding like a ‘Fruit inspector’ or God’s auditor, you would imagine people especially those closest those hurting and undergoing challenges would come close and help create sanity. Shock! Most become the voice of confusion and sources of pain. They quickly turn from supporters/comforters to agents of division, discriminators, and worse - hate-mongers. No wonder the Bible says the heart of man is DESPERATELY wicked. I mean, it can only be a wicked heart that will go out to cause more pain and hurt to an already broken heart that is shouting out for bandaging and mending. May the Lord help us!

Then came politics. Full swing and full-time. What! Haven’t we been constipated from the intrigues that are going on... alignments, re- alignments and counter-alignments. Coalitions and marriages – both mature and immature ones. Continued bickering, wrangling and mudslinging among other dirt that politics unearths. I have had more than enough of it, yet we still have months to walk on this path before the actual voting takes place. Oh, actually, we are counting days now.

The climax of it all, the JUBILEE!!! Wow! Don’t I love this! That I am honoured to be alive at such a time. That I am a partaker together with the saints. It is such an honour.

I bless God!

Courageous Watch The Complete Movie Part 1 Of 16

EMOTIONAL INFIDELITY

By Pastors Kamau & Judy Karanja - As heard on Hope Fm [March & April 2012]

1.    DEFINITION OF EMOTIONAL INFIDELITY

• A relationship with a third party, other than your loved one, that has crossed boundaries of emotional intimacy that  should be preserved for the one that you love.
• It excludes physical intimacy but includes emotional intimacy. It can begin as innocently as a friendship.
• It defies strict definition and that’s partly what makes it so dangerous.
• It’s an indiscretion or impurity of the heart and mind, not [yet] the flesh.
• In today’s world, it does not even have to involve face to face meeting. Cheating now includes having intimate correspondence with someone while on a cell phone, computer or other forms of communication and maintaining a close, personal relationship with someone other than your loved one.

 2.    HOW EMOTIONAL INFIDELITY HAPPENS 

a.    May even begin with an innocent encounter/meeting. One or both parties are not necessarily looking for an affair. 

b.    Progresses into an exchange of personal information. 

c.    More one on one meetings begin to happen for one reason or the other. Business, church, office… 

d.    The information shared begins to become more and more personal and intimate. 

e.    The relationship now begins to edge out and undermine one’s love relationship. 

3.    THE DANGERS OF EMOTIONAL INFIDELITY  

a.    It affects/pollutes/defiles the core of a person, the heart. - Pr 4:23 

b.    Emotional infidelity threatens and undermines the emotional bond between couples. Pure and healthy friendships and attractions don't need to threaten a marriage at all, but add richness and enjoyment to life. This relationship however, threatens the legitimate relationship.

c.    The sharing of intimate information with someone else other than your loved one in emotional infidelity crosses the boundaries of trust and confidentiality. A third party becomes a confidant and often the critic of your partner. The relationship causes betrayal of intimate details and secrets that a couple shares and reveals them to a third party.

d.    It competes with your relationship. Robbing it of valuable time, trust and emotional bonding. It causes insecurity to come into the relationship. -  Ex 20:5

e.    It is selfish. Most people who defend this relationship would be very jealous if it was their loved one who was so close with a member of the opposite sex.

f.    Where there is sexual attraction [spoken or unspoken], it is sin. - Mt 5:28

g.    It is flirting with danger. - Pr 6:28

4.    SYMPTOMS OF EMOTIONAL INFIDELITY

a.     You are becoming preoccupied and daydream about your “friend” more and more.

b.    You participate in corporate/business dating i.e. dating under the guise of business where you convince yourselves that’s it’s “nothing personal, just business”.

c.    You find yourself anticipating when you can communicate or be with your “friend” again. Alone time together is important to you.

d.    You begin sharing your thoughts, feelings, and problems with your “friend” instead of your loved one. You share emotional difficulties with this person and they advice you. They may also turn to you for intimate counsel, even about their own relationship.

e.    Your “friend” seems to understand you better than your loved one does.

f.    When confronted about the apparent emotional affair, you respond, "We're just friends. There is denial of the feelings or the impending danger.

g.    You are keeping your friendship or parts of your friendship a secret from your loved one. Your loved one does not have access to all of the conversations you are having with this person - e-mail, texting, in person, etc. There begins to be deception and secrecy.

h.    You develop special rituals with your “friend” that are highly anticipated by both parties. When the rituals don't happen there is great disappointment.

i.    You find reasons to give your “friend” personal gifts. You provide special treats [indulgences] for your “friend”.

j.    You spend money on this “friend” behind your loved one's back.

k.    You begin withdrawing from your loved one. They don’t excite you as much as this person any more.

l.    You are more concerned about your “friend” than your loved one.

m.    Conflicts arise between you and your loved one over this friendship. You accuse your loved one of jealousy when the friendship is brought up.

n.    You lie to your loved one in order to spend time with this “friend”.

o.    You begin losing interest in being intimate with your loved one, either emotionally or sexually.

p.    You fantasize about marriage with this “friend”.

4.    SIGNS THAT YOUR LOVED ONE MAY BE GETTING INTO EMOTIONAL INFIDELITY

a.     They get a text or phone call and walk out of the room to communicate.

b.    They get unusually happy when communication from that person arrives.

c.    They speak about this person often.

d.    They compare you unfavourably to that person – this is a big warning sign!

e.    They don’t want to do things together; things that you usually do

f.    They suddenly think the cute things you do (things particular to you being a couple) are silly and immature

g.    They pay close attention to their looks when they are going to meet this person.

h.    For married couples, they may not even want sex with their spouse or when they do they fantasize about the other person). 

5.    WHY DO BELIEVERS FALL INTO THIS TRAP [OF EMOTIONAL / PHYSICAL INFIDELITY]  

Ho 4:6

a.    Ignorance or Lack of knowledge. 

b.    Rejecting Knowledge or foolishness. 

c.    Forgetting knowledge [forget the vows, promises]. 

d.    Learning the ways of the heathen. - Jer 10:2 

e.    Yielding [giving in] to temptation. - 1st Co 10:13 

f.    Improper / careless interactions with members of the opposite sex.

         [Especially in speech, dressing and mannerisms].

   - Entertaining sensual talk [labels] - Pr 5:3

   - Provocative dressing. - Pr 7:7

   - Inappropriate / unrestrained physical affection.

g.    Unmet needs [or needs met inadequately]. – 1st Co 7:3

 N/b – Marriage is a need meeting relationship.

 h.    A poor soul [mind, will, emotions]. - 3rd Jo 1:2  

 i.    Lack of trustworthiness.

  [To be continued: How to get out of an emotional affair]